Many women assume something is wrong with them when desire fades. In reality, burnout, stress and outdated ideas about sex often sit quietly underneath what we label “low libido”.

Guest Post by Sex Coach Alicia Schifferle

 

It started with my own experience. I started studying sexology a few years ago, but my interest in sex began with my own inability to orgasm.

At 23, I still expected it to just happen. I was having sex for validation and performance, which didn’t feel like much. When the honeymoon energy wore off, I was left with a sense of unfulfilling sex.

As I started exploring my sexuality more, I realised I was living life in a constant state of urgency, which meant I couldn’t be present with pleasure. Conditioned sexual shame kept me from my most erotic self, and I had no idea what I actually liked in bed. Instead, I was morphing into whatever my partner wanted.

I learned to orgasm at 24, but my interest in sex deepened as I realised how many of us are trying to have sex like it’s portrayed in the movies. When we fall short, we assume something is wrong with us.

Women especially carry a lot of shame and guilt around not desiring sex, but the truth is, we often aren’t having sex in ways that nourish women’s bodies. So, of course, women don’t crave it.

That desire to educate women about their bodies, pleasure, and how to have sex that centres their pleasure just as much as men’s led me to share my learnings on social media, and Sensual Sessions was born.

 

What my work actually looks like

My Sensual Session days never really look the same, but they usually involve coaching women, running workshops, co-hosting somatic dance classes, or creating educational content.

I also see commitment to my own pleasure practices and ongoing erotic development as vital, both personally and as a sex coach who can show up regulated and with the information and resources needed to coach appropriately. So my days often include some kind of personal practice, learning, or mentoring.

Desire is not as simple as we think

Desire is actually quite complex, but most people think it’s a simple, passive thing, and that’s where they go wrong. Love and desire are fundamentally different, yet the media we consume often conflates the two, leaving people confused when the honeymoon phase fades.

When we first start dating, our brains are literally high on chemicals. It’s often compared to the brain of someone on cocaine. The sex is passionate and hot, fuelled by novelty, obstacles, and excitement.

As you start to love someone more and feel safer with them, you tend to desire them less. The problem couples face is believing desire is passive, waiting for it to arrive like a bus that never shows up.

In long-term relationships, you need to learn how to create the context that supports both of your desire types. You have to become active in creating the sex life you want.

 

The pressure modern women live under

Yes. The world expects too much. We were sold a lie that you can do it all: ignore your body, live a fast-paced life, have a full-time job, be a mother, run a side hustle, maintain relationships and friendships, and be a wild lover in bed who’s ready for sex at the drop of a hat.

Our world expects women to function the same inside and outside the bedroom, using a playbook that overrides how a woman’s body experiences pleasure. How you live your life has a direct impact on how you have sex.

Women need better boundaries in the rest of their lives so they can be better supported in the bedroom.

Sensuality reconnects us with our bodies

Sensuality is the process of using your senses to be present in your body and your environment. Being sensual means engaging with the senses that energise you, turn you on, and bring you into your body.

Sensuality can be paired with sexuality, but it can also be experienced on its own. I believe that leaning into your sensuality is about living, finding joy in small moments and pleasure in your day.

I encourage women to add more sensuality to everyday life. Linger over the taste of your coffee, feel the sunshine on your face, and delight in the smell of freshly baked cookies. How can you surrender to your senses more?

 

Rethinking what sex actually means

I love this question because we really need to move away from the staircase approach that pedestalises penetration as the ultimate goal of sex, and instead adopt a more circular approach that centres pleasure.

Expanding my definition of sex was one of the best things I ever did, and I encourage everyone to do the same. The only reason we think sex must involve penetration is because of what we see in movies.

Sex can include any kind of sexual activity that feels pleasurable. That might look like kissing, sensual massage, oral, manual stimulation, mutual masturbation, and more.
My challenge is to take penetration off the table for a week and see what happens.