Beyond Orgasms: How to Embrace your Sexuality
As a Sex, Relationships and Body Image Therapist, Aleks Trkulja’s work revolves around creating a safe space for individuals to explore and embrace their sexual identities. Here’s how to effectively communicate your sexual needs, set healthy boundaries, and get over some common myths.
Name: Aleksandra Trkulja
Day job: Sex, Relationships, and Body Image therapist
Location: Eora Nation/ Sydney
Addressing shame and anxiety around sex and relationships by listening and validating.
Curiosities: Dating, non-monogamy, sexual communication, and learning more about pleasure.
Concerns: Issues with desire, libido, orgasm, and pain. How to identify and communicate their sexual preferences.
Stress is the number one thing to affect desire. So be kind to yourself and recognise you may need to manage stress before desire returns.
Medications like SSRI’s can have side effects that lower desire and impact the ability to orgasm. This is unfortunately common, so talk to a health professional if this is happening.
Hormonal changes mean your body and its needs may change day to day. There is nothing wrong with that. Don’t hold your body to unrealistic standards, instead be kind and recognise its capacity is likely to change.
Sex is supplementary to a romantic relationship. If sex is all the relationship is based on, it’s a fickle foundation, as you’re due to fall into circumstances that remove sex off the table temporarily (injury, illness, mental health, distance etc.).
Sex will ALWAYS impact our relationships. It’s a fundamentally relational act.
The simplest approach is to communicate those differences and focus on your shared preferences and desires. If something fundamental is missing from a sexual relationship that affects your wellbeing, perhaps it’s not the healthiest relationship for you.
If communication doesn’t come easy in general, start there. Learn to talk about all kinds of topics together, including sex.
Create a culture in your relationship that makes it easy to talk about sex and intimacy. It doesn’t need to be taboo, or awkward.
Discuss sex and intimacy before, during and after the act! Comms never stops!
Always, always, always respect someone’s No. Check in with your body before saying Yes. Go to therapy and learn more about boundary setting if you struggle with it.
Start small, set boundaries around things that are less intimidating to build your confidence.
Again, create a space where boundary setting is accessible, easy, and respected.
Some people don’t orgasm, and that’s okay! We live in a capitalist society that has us believing we should constantly be producing- outcomes, incomes, and orgasms!! It’s just too much!! Pleasure is pleasure baby. A sexually satisfying interaction should be based on pleasure, not orgasms.
Take it slow. Perhaps start with looking at your anatomy in the mirror and understanding your body parts. You might want to rush into buying 5 sex toys, but maybe learn what feels good to your body in general first. Explore your erogenous zones.
You hold all the power.
Society will tell you you’re not enough, but you are. You deserve to experience sexuality as a liberating, empowering, and expressive part of your life.
