In a world full of outdated sex advice and awkward conversations, Jasmine Zahner cuts through the noise. This Melbourne-based sexologist is all about real talk and practical tips to help you and your partner level up your sex life. Forget the fluff – Jasmine’s approach is all about getting to the point, addressing everything from mismatched libidos to the myths that keep you up at night (and not in a good way).

 

Name: Jasmine Zahner

Pronouns: She/Her

Day job: Sexologist

Location: Melbourne

 

What led you to become a sexologist?

I developed a passion for sexology when I was facing sexual challenges in a past relationship and had to seek out a sexologist myself. I had such a poor experience that I decided then and there that people deserved better support than what was being provided - and I would be the person to provide that.

 

What are some common issues?

There’s such a range: painful sex, mismatched libidos in relationships, erectile dysfunction, premature/delayed ejaculation, navigating ENM (ethical non-monogamy), self-esteem/body image issues, struggling with sexual identity, anorgasmia (inability to orgasm), STIs, and more.

 

What are some of the most common myths about sex you encounter?

• “Every other couple is having more sex than you.” Trust me, they’re not. The frequency of sex does not determine the quality of your relationship. You need to find what works for you and your partner’s sexual appetite. If you’re both happy having sex once a month, then once a month it is!
• “It's normal for sex to hurt sometimes.” No, it’s not! Sex should never hurt (unless that’s what your intention is, of course!). Painful sex is a sign that something is not quite right, whether it be a lack of arousal due to insufficient foreplay, an underlying condition such as vaginismus or endometriosis, lack of lubrication, thrush, etc. Don’t ignore pain and push through it; understanding and addressing the cause is crucial.

 

How has social media influenced sexual preferences?

Social media has widened the lens of what is considered mainstream and acceptable in society, which is great. Sexual practices and preferences are becoming more inclusive; however, I think it’s very apparent we still have a long way to go. There’s still a lot more work yet to be done.

 

Is it positively bridging the gap left by traditional sexual health education?

Social media is allowing sex educators to widen their reach, specifically providing them with the ability to circulate information to people who may not have the resources to access sex therapy services. Unfortunately, there’s always misinformation that can be circulated along with that by people who are underqualified or misinformed. We need to consume information on social media with a critical lens rather than accepting it as fact.

 

What should people consider before trying a new sexual practice?

They should ask themselves whether they feel completely safe and comfortable with the person they’re going to try it with. Do they feel comfortable enough to express their boundaries and confident that those boundaries will be respected?

 

How can we better communicate boundaries?

Boundaries are best communicated outside the bedroom when the heat is off. Use ‘I’ statements where possible and frame them in a manner that focuses on what you want to do rather than what you don’t want to do. It’s also important to be as specific as possible to avoid any confusion. Finally, remember that boundaries can and do change, including in a sexual moment. Both parties should regularly check in with each other to gauge comfort levels and satisfaction.

 

What’s a good way to rekindle intimacy?

Take it back to basics. It’s time to relearn how to touch each other again. For example, instead of jumping straight back into sex again, give each other a sensual massage and communicate what type of touch feels most pleasurable for you. You can also help to deepen your intimate connection by playing a card game like Esther Perel’s – Where Should We Begin or similar.

 

And performance anxiety – any tips?

Learning the art of mindful masturbation can be a very effective skill that, once learned, can be transferred into partnered sex. It allows you to stay present in the moment and your body rather than in your head. Working with a sexologist to help you reframe those cognitive distortions is also a very effective tool.

 

How do menstrual cycles affect a person’s sex drive?

Menstrual cycles impact both a person’s sexual desire and experience. However, it is not the same for every individual. For example, some people may experience an increase in sexual desire during their ovulation phase due to an increase in estrogen, while others experience ovulation pain that severely dampens that sexual desire. During menstruation, some people experience more intense orgasms due to increased circulation, while others are curled up in bed with a hot water bottle, trying to ease their cramps and bloating. My advice is to follow what your own body is telling you. Don’t compare yourself to anyone else. Fluctuations in hormones and menstrual cycles affect everyone differently, and there is no right way to feel or experience them.

 

How do endometriosis and PCOS impact sex?

Both endometriosis and PCOS can result in discomfort and pain during sex, which can impede the ability to have pleasurable sex. As PCOS also comes with an imbalance in hormones, it can also cause excess hair growth on the face or body, weight gain, irregular periods, infertility and acne. Such side effects can affect one’s self-esteem and confidence, which can also play out in the bedroom. It’s important to seek out psychological support alongside your specialist medical support for the management of your PCOS.

 

What’s your advice in helping if this is the case?

I’m a strong advocate for pelvic floor physiotherapy. I work alongside some amazing physios, and I have seen their success stories firsthand. It’s common for the pelvic floor muscles to tighten as a protective mechanism in response to pelvic pain, which can then actually contribute to further pain. Pelvic floor physio will help you gain control over those muscles and reduce that tension.

 

Any mindfulness and relaxation techniques you’d recommend?

Mindfulness and relaxation are amazing ways to help anxiety in general, but this also applies to sexual anxiety. Practicing before any sexual encounter will always be beneficial (self-directed or guided). Mindful masturbation is a great way to help enhance pleasure during masturbation but also helps keep you present in partnered sex. Remaining present in a partnered situation can often be quite challenging, so try asking yourself questions like “What sounds is my partner making?”, “Where do I enjoy my partner touching me the most?” and “What pressure feels most pleasurable?” These questions will help keep you present in the moment and aware of your senses.

 

YOUR WISHLIST RIGHT NOW...

• TO HEAR... a thunderstorm, my favourite thing to fall asleep to.

• TO SEE... the Northern Lights (original, I know).

• TO HOLD… a sloth 😊

• TO VISIT... Japan, I will be there in August. I’m just counting down the days now.