Painful sex, low libido and shame around periods are more common than people realise. Sexologist Jamie Bucirde explains how pelvic pain, nervous system responses and poor sex education intersect.

 

Name: Jamie Bucirde

Pronouns: She/Her

Day job: Sexologist

Location: I work for myself, so I move around a lot!

 

Tell us, what do you do as a sexologist?

I wear a lot of hats, but simply put, I founded a startup that teaches workplaces about sexual harassment reform. I also work for a wonderful boutique adult store called High Tide in the Melbourne CBD, and I’m a freelance writer covering sex, pleasure and politics. I love the versatility and flexibility of what I do.

 

What drew you into this field?

My uncle is a sexologist, so I was exposed to this profession at a young age. We had wonderfully open, sex-positive conversations around the dinner table growing up, and that made me feel confident and passionate about talking about sex myself.

 

Biggest misconception about sex therapy?

That there’s something wrong with you if you talk about your sex life with a therapist. Everyone should do it at least once. Sexuality is a vital part of our relationships, with others and with ourselves. Most people have never had access to the tools or education needed to talk about sex openly and without shame.

 

How does period pain affect intimacy?

I think women and bleeders have always been taught to be silent about our periods and period pain, which is wild considering it affects half the population. Women function in a society that silences our pain and makes us feel ashamed for bleeding, even though it’s one of the most natural and healthy things our bodies do.

I also don’t think enough people feel comfortable having sex or masturbating during their period, even though it can help alleviate cramps. More pleasure during menstruation.

Can chronic pelvic pain change desire?

Absolutely. If women (or vulva owners) experience pelvic pain, it can send signals to the brain that vaginal penetration, sex or even touch is dangerous. Vaginismus or dyspareunia, for example, are common sexual dysfunctions that can develop from trauma, pain or fear.

It’s important to understand that pain isn’t just physical. Chronic pain conditions affect the nervous system, hormone regulation, body image, fatigue and mental health, all of which influence sexual wellbeing.

 

How common is sexual dysfunction with endometriosis or severe period pain?

Sadly, sexual dysfunction is really common among people living with endometriosis, adenomyosis or severe period pain. Research suggests that up to 50–70% of those with endometriosis experience challenges such as pain during sex, reduced desire or difficulty reaching orgasm.

Chronic pelvic pain, inflammation and nervous system sensitivity can make intimacy feel physically and emotionally overwhelming, leading many people to avoid sex altogether. If this is your experience, you’re not alone. It’s a common and understandable response to living with persistent pain, and it’s not a personal failure.

 

Low libido or protective shutdown. What’s the difference?

Low libido and protective shutdown can look similar on the surface, but they are very different experiences. Low libido simply means you may not feel sexual desire as often. It can be influenced by stress, hormones, diet, movement, relationship dynamics or life changes, and it can ebb and flow like the seasons.

Protective shutdown, however, happens when sex has felt unsafe, painful or traumatic. Our brains and bodies are wired to protect us from harm, so if an experience has caused pain or fear, your nervous system may reduce desire as a way of keeping you safe.

In those cases, the shutdown is not about wanting sex, but about protection. Working with a trained professional can help gently rebuild safety and connection if you experience this.

Can sexual confidence recover after years of painful sex?

Absolutely. It’s possible to rebuild sexual confidence after years of painful sex, but it takes patience, support and re-establishing sexual safety. Sex should not be persistently painful. If your body has learned to associate intimacy with discomfort, the first step is gently teaching your nervous system that sex can feel safe again.

Working with a qualified sexologist or sex therapist can be helpful, as healing is never one-size-fits-all. Everyone’s experience is different, and rebuilding confidence often involves strategies that address both the physical and psychological layers of pain. Sex is meant to feel pleasurable and connected, and with the right support, that can absolutely be reclaimed.

 

How should partners show up when pain is involved?

Firstly, never pressure your partner if they experience pain during sex. Sex is something you do together, and everyone should be feeling pleasure. Often, the person experiencing pain may also feel shame, guilt or fear that they aren’t having enough sex. Support them, offer to be part of the journey, and learn to connect intimately in ways that don’t involve penetrative sex.

 

Can intimacy thrive without penetration?

Yes. We need to expand our understanding of the word ‘sex’. Society has taught us that sex only means vagina and penis penetration, but it can also include deep kissing, oral sex and mutual masturbation. You can have great sex without penetration.

 

What does embodiment actually mean?

Embodiment is about tapping into yourself. It starts with understanding where you’re at and accepting that with compassion. It’s learning to listen to your body, focus on your pleasure and understand what you need at any given time. I want us all to slow down and listen to our bodies daily.

 

How do shame and period silence show up in the bedroom?

A lot of bleeders I talk to say they don’t like having sex on their periods. That may be because of the shame around it. Periods are a powerful, natural thing, and I want us to start reframing them as a powerful tool. For anyone reading this, I’d love you to start masturbating on your period more often. It’s a great way to feel more confident in your body during a bleed, and it can also help relieve pain naturally. Double win.

 

Through On The Cusp, what conversations are you most excited to normalise?

Sexual safety. I want to help normalise conversations about sexual violence and gender-based violence, and where they show up in our lives. Women and non-binary people deserve to work and live without sexual harassment. I want to help create a culture of healthy relationships.

 

What belief about sex needs to go?

That your sex life remains the same your whole life. We are constantly changing and adapting as individuals, in our bodies, relationships and lives, and our sex lives change too. Be open to fluidity and stay curious about your sexuality.

 

Why are periods still taboo in 2026?

Probably because we still live under the patriarchy.

 

In one sentence, what does a healthy relationship with your body feel like?

It feels like coming home. Your body should be a source of safety, self-regulation and pleasure.

 

If every woman listened for 2 minutes, what message do they need to hear?

Prioritise your sexual wellbeing the same way you prioritise sleep, diet, exercise, stress and beauty. Focusing on sexual wellbeing can improve body confidence, relationship satisfaction, brain health, sleep hygiene and your sense of self. Never de-prioritise yourself. (And get a pap smear.)

 

MY CYCLE

• My period in 3 words:  Always wearing whites.
• Period self-care toolkit: Period underwear, my air tech vibrator, a block of KitKat, a hot water bottle and reality tv.
• Most underrated period hack? A warm bath & eating a steak on your first day of bleeding.
• Contraception of choice: Condoms.
• On day 1, you'll find me: Wrapped up in my comfies, watching reality tv in my apartment.
• Scarlet pick: rae heat pad!